At the beginning of the year and as often as I have prayed since then, my prayer has been that God will preserve the life of my family and friends; that everyone I started the year with God will keep safe and alive in His hands.

But as the year has progressed and I am starting to lose loved ones,  I question if maybe I did not pray hard and long enough. I question if God heard me and if He did why he does not answer! In my despair and anguish I am reminded of all unanswered prayers: the healing that have not come – financial, physical, emotional, spiritual. I think of the losses of this year and years past.

Usually, I am the encourager, telling people “God knows best”, “His ways are not our ways”. But the truth is those things are easy to say when you are not the one going through the fire. And now that I am feeling the burn I don’t know what to say.

And yet God still found  a way to still my soul (amidst my tears) with this song:

They say sometimes you win some
Sometimes you lose some
And right now, right now I’m losing bad
I’ve stood on this stage night after night
Reminding the broken it’ll be alright
But right now, oh right now I just can’t
It’s easy to sing
When there’s nothing to bring me down
But what will I say
When I’m held to the flame
Like I am right now
I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone
They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Well good thing
A little faith is all I have, right now
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Oh give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul
I know You’re able and I know You can
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You’d just say the word
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone
You’ve been faithful, You’ve been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may
‘Cause I know You’re able
I know You can
I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, I know the hurt
Would all go away if You’d just say the word
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone
It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

Dear reader, not the most upbeat post…I know! But even as I purpose to be intentional in my Christian walk, the last thing I want to do is glamorize this life. The hustle is real and there will be up and downs. But in all of this my confession will still be (Daniel 3:17-18):

Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are.
You are God, You are good
Forever faithful One!

*(image from Harvest Christian Fellowship https://www.hcfcornwall.ca/series/even-if/)

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